Ten Red Flags That You Are With An ASP

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Most people have ignored the warning signs or red flags, that appear early on in a relationship with an antisocial person.

Here are the most obvious — and most likely — red flags that appear within 3-6 months of the relationship, sometimes much sooner. Your potential mate/friend:

1. Valued and quickly devalued you depending on how much, or how little, he/she can control your behavior; especially your behavior towards other people. For example, he or she may perceive someone significant in your life as a potential threat and will manipulate situations to cause you to doubt that friend or family member. He or she will try to build mistrust in you, and then quickly turn around and “save you” from the situation he/she created. Or, he will blatantly demand whom you can or cannot like or love.

NOTE: Pay close attention when he shares situations from past relationships.  It’s highly likely that your relationship will end up looking like his previous relationships. Every relationship picks up where the last one left off. Take your time before you get intimate. It makes things easier if the relationship doesn’t work out. How long should you wait? The short answer is at least 6 months.

2. He tells you straight-up he’s antisocial. No one who is mentally and emotionally stable will call himself an antisocial. Unless you crave a wild and bumpy ride in your relationship, throw this fish back in the water and find love elsewhere.

3. See how he lives. Is his house cluttered, or a pig sty? Lots going on within when someone hoards and lives in filth. “As within, so without,”

4. He uses the system and doesn’t repay debts. Has a sense of entitlement.

5. Tries to micro-manage people in his life. He’s controlling  and acts like he’s the only caring one in the relationship or household.

6. Perceives the world in a very peculiar way. There is no winning for losing. He won’t compromise with you. End. Of. Discussion.

7.  His responses don’t match what is going on in the room. For example, it’s early morning and you get up first. You’re sitting at your computer He walks in and you cheerfully say: “Good morning!” He, in turn, is frowning and doesn’t reply. Instead, he might start some unrelated dialogue because…

8. He lives in his paranoid mind more than in the real world or any rational world for that matter.

9. Most of your actions are met with suspicion or opposition.  Example: Watching a cute and wholesome video on YouTube featuring a friend of the opposite sex might be seen as you being completely obsessed or infatuated with your friend.  All the explaining in the world won’t change his mind. Does he really believe it, or is he trying to control your happy mood by bringing you down to his level? WHO CARES! Get away from someone who is a harmful, toxic person. Love him from a distance. Wish him well and move on.

10. You are constantly walking on egg shells and have to justify your words and actions. Then, you’re told not to justify yourself. You never know what you’re going to get. Ever. It’s a mystery why he acts the way he does,  but the most important thing is to remember that you will never be able to be yourself. Ever.  Do you want that type of relationship?

Pema Chodron’s Heart Advice

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ANY ENCOUNTER OFFERS US A CHOICE

“This is an idea that seems difficult for Westerners to accept: when someone harms us, they create the cause of their own suffering. They do this by strengthening habits that imprison them in a cycle of pain and confusion. It’s not that we are responsible for what someone else does, and certainly not that we should feel guilty. But when they harm us, we unintentionally become the means of their undoing. Had they looked on us with loving-kindness, however, we’d be the cause of their gathering virtue.

What I find helpful in this teaching is that what’s true for them is also true for me. The way I regard those who hurt me today will affect how I experience the world in the future. In any encounter, we have a choice: we can strengthen our resentment or our understanding and empathy. We can widen the gap between ourselves and others or lessen it.”
~From her book “No Time To Lose”

Some of Our Favorite Quotes

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It has been said that the greatest souls awaken through suffering. Suffering is not always a curse. Darkness shows us aspects of ourselves that need work, which may not have been exposed to us if the Universe had not sent this suffering in the first place. The greatest prayer you could make would to not ask the Source or Universe to take the suffering away from you, but to instead have faith that everything that happens in your life is only happening to stimulate your spiritual evolution. Thank the Universe for sending you that suffering to help you grow and evolve, both spiritually and emotionally. All experience is a blessing and happens for a reason, so don’t be afraid to feel it and learn from it. Liberate yourself from the prison of your own thoughts. You are in control. Awaken to the beauty in each moment, and move from panic to freedom.
-Spirit Science and Metaphysics

Those who have not found their true wealth, which is the radiant joy of Being and the deep, unshakable peace that comes with it, are beggars, even if they have great material wealth. They are looking outside for scraps of pleasure or fulfillment, for validation, security, or love, while they have a treasure within that not only includes all those things but is infinitely greater than anything the world can offer.
-Eckhart Tolle, “The Power of Now”

I am willing to put myself through anything; temporary pain or discomfort means nothing to me as long as I can see that the experience will take me to a new level. I am interested in the unknown, and the only path to the unknown is through breaking barriers, an often-painful process.
– Diana Nyad

I am in competition with no-one. I run my own race. I have no desire to play the game of being better than anyone, in any way, shape or form. I just aim to improve, to be better than I was before. That’s me and I am free.
-Unknown

Pay close attention to the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness.
-Byron Katie

I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.
-Robin Williams

There is no coming to consciousness without pain.
-Carl Jung

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.
-Rumi

Help ever. Hurt never.
-Sri Kaleshwar

Judge nothing, you will be happy. Forgive everything, you will be happier. Love everything, you will be happiest. ― Sri Chinmoy

All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.
-don Miguel Ruiz

 

 

 

 

My Ex’s Current Girlfriend Contacted Me.

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This is a question that comes up frequently in my work.

So, you’ve moved on and blessed your ex’s new relationship. You and the new girlfriend may have never met in person or otherwise. Months go by, and I am guessing the six-month mark is approaching and the new girlfriend is waking up to the fact that there is something very wrong with her relationship. She may not know about sociopaths or people committed to the Sociopathic Style of relating. She’s confused. She needs answers or closure, so she does a little research and finds you online and contacts you.

What is the correct way to respond?

First, you need to set your intention to help and — not further hurt — the person who is making contact. Moreover, you don’t want to hurt yourself with the exchange of information.  Do not jump in and share all the negativity and/or get into a “Schadenfreude” mode.

I believe it’s okay to share and, in some ways it’s our duty, to bring some light to someone’s suffering and to help them get confirmation or closure.

Under the aforementioned circumstances, I would do the following:

  • I would meditate for guidance and set my good intentions.
  • I would respond with empathy because I understand what she is going through.
  • I would validate her experiences.
  • I would not let what she shares affect me in any way.
  • I would steer the conversation in a positive way should she start to tell me things that I do not care to know about; i.e. more of his lies about me.
  • I would keep the conversation centered around her and very little on me since I have moved on from that experience.
  • I would keep what I share “academic” and based on facts.
  • I would not rehash all the negativity.
  • If she has a lot of questions, I would help her find the answers for herself, opposed to me offering answers from my own experiences.
  • I would focus on the upside on why the person came into our lives and what we can learn from the relationship.
  • I would share my “recovery journey” only in bullet points, and the positive things that have happened in my life since he and I parted ways.
  • I would watch the clock and give the conversation no more than 30 minutes.
  • I would wish her well and remain as we are; meaning not become friends over him or her situation.
  • I would keep our correspondence and/or conversation confidential.

I think it’s a bad idea to contact a new partner of an ex, but if the new partner contacts you, I think it’s fine to offer well-intended, helpful guidance.  In the sociopathic way of relating, there is a lot of confusion, gaslighting, manipulation, verbal  and emotional abuse, betrayal and pathological lying present that makes the “victim” feel crazy. It helps to know that there is someone who cares and understands — who can help one out of the fog without judgment and more drama. Remember to stay in love-based communication and don’t engage in the power triangle.

Don’t let people pull you into their storm; instead, pull them into your PEACE.

 

The Subconscious Mind

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The subconscious mind is, at best,  a nine-year-old kid.

pilot_2_tcm61-81046When I teach my clients about the subconscious mind, I use an analogy that we are passengers on a plane that is being flown by a nine-year-old pilot (the subconscious mind). The kid will always be the pilot; and we, as adults, will not be able to take the  pilot’s place and navigate the plane to our destination. What we can do,  is teach the kid to fly the plane in a smooth way, instead of letting him/her fly it every which way, up and down with no destination in mind.

During certain times in our lives, we all have experienced an out-of-control kid flying the plane straight toward the Himalayan Mountains. Sometimes, we’ve crashed. Other times, we have randomly landed in Paradise, so to speak.  Most current teachings center around the mind and how to change the way we think so we can manifest fulfilling relationships, peace of mind and a beautiful life.

Documentaries like “The Secret” and “What the Bleep Do We Know?” have opened us to meditation and visualization techniques that lead the mind around by the nose, instead of allowing it to run amuck in any direction it chooses to go.

I have spent most of my life studying contemporary and ancient healing techniques. I love how far we have progressed in these studies and practices and how much they have proved to work when applied on a daily basis.

Several years ago, I discovered Quantum Jumping by Burt Goldman, who spent over 50 years cultivating his knowledge by studying with some of the world’s greatest spiritual teachers. His teachings combine shamanic journeying (working outside of time and space) with contemporary shortcut techniques that help the subconscious mind adjust, accept and manifest our highest potential. When we have control over our mind, we can accomplish almost anything. We can let go of the past and live in the present moment without any judgement, fear and regret.  Then, we attract only people who are supportive, loving and authentic and our hopes and dreams become a reality.

Wishing you a safe and comfortable flight!

Love,
Marion

 

Angry and Controlling Men

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I am reading a very insightful book titled, “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. On page 21, Lundy writes: “In one important way, an abusive man works like a magician. His tricks largely rely on getting you to look off in the wrong direction, distracting your attention so that you won’t notice where the real action is. He draws you into focusing on the turbulent world of his feelings to keep your eyes turned away from the true cause of his abusiveness, which lies in how he thinks. He leads you into a convoluted maze, making your relationship with him a labyrinth of twists and turns.

He wants you to puzzle over him, to try to figure him out, as though he were a wonderful but broken machine for which you need only to find and fix the malfunctioning parts to bring it roaring to its full potential. His desire, though he may not admit it even to himself, is that you wrack your brain in this way so that you won’t notice the patterns and logic of his behavior, the consciousness behind the craziness.

To further divert your gaze, he may work to shape your views of his past partners to keep you from talking to them directly and to prepare you to disbelieve them should you happen to hear what they say. If you could follow the thread of his conduct over a series of relationships, you would find out that his behavior isn’t as erratic as it looks; in fact, it follows a fairly consistent pattern from woman to woman, except for brief relationships or ones that he isn’t that serious about.

Above all, the abusive man wants to avoid having you zero in on his abusiveness itself. So he tries to fill your head up with excuses and distortions and keep you weighed down with self-doubt and self-blame. And, unfortunately, much of the society tends to follow unsuspectingly along behind him, helping him to close your eyes, and his own, to his problem.

 

Should I Warn His New Partner?

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I am often asked if someone should contact the new partner of an ex to warn them of the abuse.  My answer is, without a shadow of a doubt: “No!”

First and foremost, ask yourself what’s motivating you? If you are trying to warn her or him, aren’t you engaging in the Power Triangle? Pathological rescuers rescue people without being asked. Stay out of the Power Triangle. It spells trouble. Secondly, your ex-has probably painted a very bad picture of you to the new partner. Don’t you think that contacting that person will validate everything he said about you? It will make you look jealous, vengeful and insecure.

When we had our first falling out, my ex-gave me a list of emails of women he had been in a relationship with prior to me and said: “Contact them for a testimonial. I’m a good man, Marion. They will tell you.” So I sent off an email and never got a reply from them. When I told him that I emailed them and didn’t get the testimonials he said I would, he became EXTREMELY angry and accused me of being: “High School and immature.” I replied: “You told me to contact them!” “I didn’t think you would!” he snapped back.

You need to focus on yourself, especially if you’ve been in a toxic relationship. When bitter thoughts arise or you think to yourself, “How can he be happy now after he made me so miserable?” Tell yourself that you wish them both well every single time a thought comes up. This will help you so much because you are letting go of negativity. In truth, your ex is no longer your business and kind thoughts will help you move on in a beautiful way.  You don’t have to allow contact, by all means. Simply wish them well and smile.

Even though friends have told me my ex is in a new relationship, he still contacts me every 6-8 weeks with poems, “I love you” — and to top it all off, in his last correspondence, he has giving me permission to move on with my business. He is now “shining his light on my work” which he consistently put down in the past. I just chuckle and throw the notes, emails and texts away without a reply, because to me he is like a cobra. He will bite me over and over again if I let him.  Even though his behavior is still bizarre as ever, I do send well-wishes telepathically, because in wishing him well I wish me well. “I wish you well. I wish you well. I wish you well…” has become my mantra. Thoughts of him have dissolved in a very natural, organic way without much effort.

When we recapitulate the relationship and see that we were a psychological or spiritual mismatch, which I often stated in my past relationship, then why would we want to continue thinking on that person? If it was a severely abusive relationship as in my case, shouldn’t we be happy that the person has a new target/interest? I, for one, am ecstatic that I am free. Before he had a new love interest, he constantly harassed me and kept me off balance. It was a grueling time for me because I still had feelings for him and I sacrificed my own happiness for someone who is a pathological liar.  I found that when my mind started to recapitulate the good, bad and the ugly side of the relationship, I would say to myself: “It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter! “I wrangled in my thoughts with another simple mantra that works for me. Try it if you’re struggling with thoughts about the past or crazy assumptions.  It is a simple technique that is very freeing.

Lastly, if your ex-has become a better person for having known you, you have done your job.  But all that matters is that you are a better person — and you have expanded your consciousness — and you are drawing healthier boundaries. The best thing you can do is to take time for yourself and unload some baggage before you get into another relationship. Find a tribe with similar interests.  Get involved in your community and find joy on your own before you make yourself available for someone new. Rebound relationships, more often than not, fail miserably because people bring baggage from a past relationship into it; and sometimes they are still in love with, or focused on, their ex.

Verbal and Emotional Abuse

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This segment on HuffPost Live describes the methodical way abusers advance in a relationship. Don’t fool yourself into thinking they will change. They are master manipulators, who have you figured out more than you realize. They do not think of themselves as mentally unstable, and the relationship issues will always be your fault. They thrive on one’s weaknesses and know exactly how to push buttons. As far as your strengths go, they will eventually try their best to knock you off the pedestal they propped you up with.

The story below is a typical example of how a pathological abuser operates. He attacks, then minimizes his abuse and flips it back on the victim. An abuser delights in inflicting shame on his victim. A smile, following a verbal attack, is very common.

One of the events that took place in our relationship which not only not only shocked me but came completely out of left field, was when we went out one night and I introduced my ex-boyfriend to a famous guitar player. During the show, my ex-asked me if I had given the guitar player a bj. I couldn’t believe my ears. I asked: “WHAT?!” He smiled and said: “You heard me.” I was appalled, especially by his delight in having shocked me. I got up to leave the venue, to which he reacted by saying: “You always run away! The wind changes and you run.  You’re so unstable! You gotta learn how to let things roll off your back and hang in there!”

 

The Power Triangle

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The Power TriangleCentral to the understanding of  The Sociopathic Style™ is the power triangle.

Classically, one enters the power triangle from a power-down victim position or the power-up rescuer position. The stereotypical relationship style in our society is for the female to be seen as victimized by the male. This is certainly not always the case and we have seen many examples of males being victimized by females, females by females and males by males.

In the classical scenario, the Damsel in Distress needs the Knight in Shining Armor to rescue her as she is helpless and cannot get herself out of her terrible life circumstance. The hidden component of the triangle is the Villain. Classically, in the Sociopathic Style, the Knight and the Damsel are the characters in the drama. Only when the Damsel starts to gain strength does the Villain come into the drama. The Knight needs the Damsel to stay in distress or he doesn’t have a purpose for living.

As in all dualities, one side mirrors the other. The Knight is utterly powerless without the Damsel, as the Knight has no access to his core, his inner source of strength. He denies his powerlessness and finds power through his chameleon-like ability to be whatever the distressed Damsel needs. The Damsel is incredibly powerful in her ability to manipulate the Knight with her absolute, albeit unconscious, feigned inability to live life from her own resources. Her all-powerful message to him is that without the Knight she cannot live.

Now enters the Villain. As the Damsel begins to receive what she needs, she begins to come more alive. The Knight is then threatened by the Damsel’s developing strength and becomes the Villain through shaming her, diminishing her, blaming her for his woes and telling her how sick she is. He aids and abets her belief that she cannot live without him.

The degree to which she holds him as a credible authority, and the degree to which she believes she needs him to survive, is the degree to which he has power over her. Sometimes the authority and power are real as in the relationship between a doctor and patient, professor and student, attorney and client, clergyman and parishioner, parent and child, employer and employee, haves and have-nots. The reader can add many more categories of power dynamic relationships.

Because each person in the Sociopathic Style has emerged from childhood with a deep suppression of their essential self, having also an inner experience of powerlessness, they must operate in all relationships from positions within the power triangle. Being separated from their inner strength, they must get power by playing the characters of the drama.

Thus, the Sociopathic Style encompasses the victim, the perpetrator, and the rescuer. The typical cultural view is that of the medically diagnosable sociopath being a perpetrator on innocent victims. In our research, we have moved beyond this to reveal a larger picture of a relationship style that engages all three characters of the sociopathic phenomena. This means the victims are sociopathic to some degree as well as the identified victimizing sociopath. We have worked with many people who have been in relationships with medically diagnosable sociopaths. We have discovered that the Sociopathic Style relationship phenomenon is very widespread — perhaps universal — in our society. In many ways, our cultures foster the Sociopathic Style as an acceptable relationship style.

© 2013, The Sociopathic Style™