The Righteous One

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When I am hurting
Drop everything you’re doing
I need you
And you owe me

Your choices are hurting me
Don’t you see this?
I need you to “get it”
So you change
And I feel better

Don’t speak
Let me finish
This is important
What you have to say can wait

I can’t hear you anyway
Or receive your love
I’m too activated to listen
To let you into my heart
To consider my impact on you

Or maybe I do know of my impact
Of the ways I dishonor you
And I feel deep shame
But I bury this and add it to the pain

I can’t bear to see myself this way
To allow that image of me to exist
So I blind myself to this “ugly truth”
And continue on autopilot

Don’t bother trying to explain the hypocrisy
Of me asking you to do for me
What I’m unavailable to do for you
I won’t hear this either

Just let me drone on and on
Attempting to get my point across
In endless new and “clever” ways

Endless analogies
Endless repetition
Endlessly feeling the need to defend yourself
From my stories of how bad and wrong you are

Still not “getting it”?
Then I’ll say it LOUDER
Because somehow I imagine
You will hear me more clearly this way

What is this game I am playing?

This game of attempting to get another to feel my pain?

What is that?

How can I possibly feel okay about projecting my pain onto another?

MY pain
The pain is not yours

So why do I attempt to make you feel it?

Because I lack awareness
And I don’t want to feel it

I don’t want to feel my own pain
So I project it onto you

Why you?

Because you are an easy target

Your impulse to caretake
Your codependent tendencies
Your questionable self worth
Makes you a perfect match

A perfect match
To take on the belief
That you are responsible
For my pain

I will convince you of this
And you will agree
If only you’d made more “considerate” choices
Then I wouldn’t be hurting

It’s your fault
Part of you believes this
The guilt holds you prisoner to my pain
And I sit beside you in this prison

There is a way out
But you may not like it
Because it may mean you’ll end up alone
With no one to take care of
But yourself

I don’t like it either
Because then I may be forced
To finally face my pain
As well

I have been avoiding this at all costs
And I will continue to do so
Until one of us awakens
To this game we are playing

Until you awaken
And choose to empower yourself
Or I awaken
And choose to take responsibility for my pain

“The Righteous One”
– Troy Cohen

6 Types of Emotional Abuse by Narcissistic Parents

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1. REJECTING

Narcissistic Parents or caregivers who display rejecting behavior toward a child will often [purposefully or unconsciously] let a child know, in a variety of ways, that he or she is unwanted. Putting down a child’s worth or belittling their needs is one form these types of emotional abuse may take. Other examples can include telling a child to leave or worse, to get out of your face, calling him names or telling the child that he is worthless, making a child the family scapegoat or blaming him for family/sibling problems. Refusing to talk to or holding a young child as he or she grows can also be considered abuse.

> constant criticism
> name-calling
> telling child he/she is ugly
> yelling or swearing at the child
> frequent belittling and use of labels such as “stupid” or “idiot”
> constant demeaning jokes
> verbal humiliation
> constant teasing about child’s body type and/or weight
> expressing regret the child wasn’t born the opposite sex
> refusing hugs and loving gestures
> physical abandonment
> excluding child from family activities
> treating an adolescent like he is a child
> expelling the child from the family
> not allowing a child to make his own reasonable choices

2. IGNORING

Adults who have had few of their emotional needs met are often unable to respond to the needs of their children. They may not show attachment to the child or provide positive nurturing. They may show no interest in the child, or withhold affection or even fail to recognize the child’s presence. Many times the parent is physically there but emotionally unavailable. Failing to respond to or interact with your child, consistently, constitutes emotional and psychological abuse.

> no response to infant’s spontaneous social behaviors
> to pay attention to significant events in child’s life
> lack of attention to schooling, peers, etc.
> refusing to discuss your child’s activities and interests
> planning activities/vacations without including your child
> not accepting the child as an offspring
> denying required health care
> denying required dental care
> failure to engage child in day to day activities
> failure to protect child

3. TERRORIZING

Parents who use threats, yelling and cursing are doing serious psychological damage to their children. Singling out one child to criticize and punish or ridiculing her for displaying normal emotions is abusive. Threatening a child with harsh words, physical harm, abandonment or in extreme cases death is unacceptable. Even in jest, causing a child to be terrified by the use of threats and/or intimidating behavior is some of the worst emotional abuse. This includes witnessing, hearing or knowing that violence is taking place in the home.

> excessive teasing
> yelling, cursing and scaring
> unpredictable and extreme responses to a child’s behavior
> extreme verbal threats
> raging, alternating with periods of warmth
> threatening abandonment
> berating family members in front of or in ear range of a child
> threatening to destroy a favorite object
> threatening to harm a beloved pet
> forcing child to watch inhumane acts
> inconsistent demands on the child
> displaying inconsistent emotions
> changing the “rules of the game”
> threatening that the child is adopted or doesn’t belong
> ridiculing a child in public
> threatening to reveal intensely embarrassing traits to peers
> threatening to kick an adolescent out of the house

FACT: Children and youth who witness family violence experience all six types of emotional abuse.

4. Isolating

A parent who abuses a child through isolation may not allow the child to engage in appropriate activities with his or her peers; may keep a baby in his or her room, not exposed to stimulation or may prevent teenagers from participating in extracurricular activities. Requiring a child to stay in his or her room from the time school lets out until the next morning, restricting eating, or forcing a child to isolation or seclusion by keeping her away from family and friends can be destructive and considered emotional abuse depending on the circumstances and severity.

> leaving a child unattended for long periods
> keeping a child away from family
> not allowing a child to have friends
> not permitting a child to interact with other children
> rewarding a child for withdrawing from social contact
> ensuring that a child looks and acts differently than peers
> isolating a child from peers or social groups
> insisting on excessive studying and/or chores
> preventing a child from participating in activities outside the home
> punishing a child for engaging in normal social experiences

5. Corrupting

Parents who corrupt may permit children to use drugs or alcohol, watch cruel behavior toward animals, watch or look at inappropriate sexual content or to witness or participate in criminal activities such as stealing, assault, prostitution, gambling, etc.
Encouraging an underage child to do things that are illegal or harmful is abusive and should be reported.

> rewarding child for bullying and/or harassing behavior
> teaching racism and ethnic biases or bigotry
> encouraging violence in sporting activities
> inappropriate reinforcement of sexual activity
> rewarding a child for lying and stealing
> rewarding a child for substance abuse or sexual activity
> supplying child with drugs, alcohol and other illegal substances
> promoting illegal activities such as selling drugs

6. Exploiting

Exploitation can be considered manipulation or forced activity without regard for a child’s need for development. For instance, repeatedly asking an eight-year-old to be responsible for the family’s dinner is inappropriate. Giving a child responsibilities that are far greater than a child of that age can handle or using a child for profit is abusive.

> infants and young children expected not to cry
> anger when infant fails to meet a developmental stage
> a child expected to be ‘caregiver’ to the parent
> a child expected to take care of younger siblings
> blaming a child for misbehavior of siblings
> unreasonable responsibilities around the house
> expecting a child to support family financially
> encouraging participation in pornography
> sexually abusing child or youth

Written by Lori Petro
Original Article located here: http://www.teach-through-love.com/types-of-emotional-abuse.htm

Ten Red Flags That You Are With An ASP

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Most people have ignored the warning signs or red flags, that appear early on in a relationship with an antisocial person.

Here are the most obvious — and most likely — red flags that appear within 3-6 months of the relationship, sometimes much sooner. Your potential mate/friend:

1. Valued and quickly devalued you depending on how much, or how little, he/she can control your behavior; especially your behavior towards other people. For example, he or she may perceive someone significant in your life as a potential threat and will manipulate situations to cause you to doubt that friend or family member. He or she will try to build mistrust in you, and then quickly turn around and “save you” from the situation he/she created. Or, he will blatantly demand whom you can or cannot like or love.

NOTE: Pay close attention when he shares situations from past relationships.  It’s highly likely that your relationship will end up looking like his previous relationships. Every relationship picks up where the last one left off. Take your time before you get intimate. It makes things easier if the relationship doesn’t work out. How long should you wait? The short answer is at least 6 months.

2. He tells you straight-up he’s antisocial. No one who is mentally and emotionally stable will call himself an antisocial. Unless you crave a wild and bumpy ride in your relationship, throw this fish back in the water and find love elsewhere.

3. See how he lives. Is his house cluttered, or a pig sty? Lots going on within when someone hoards and lives in filth. “As within, so without,”

4. He uses the system and doesn’t repay debts. Has a sense of entitlement.

5. Tries to micro-manage people in his life. He’s controlling  and acts like he’s the only caring one in the relationship or household.

6. Perceives the world in a very peculiar way. There is no winning for losing. He won’t compromise with you. End. Of. Discussion.

7.  His responses don’t match what is going on in the room. For example, it’s early morning and you get up first. You’re sitting at your computer He walks in and you cheerfully say: “Good morning!” He, in turn, is frowning and doesn’t reply. Instead, he might start some unrelated dialogue because…

8. He lives in his paranoid mind more than in the real world or any rational world for that matter.

9. Most of your actions are met with suspicion or opposition.  Example: Watching a cute and wholesome video on YouTube featuring a friend of the opposite sex might be seen as you being completely obsessed or infatuated with your friend.  All the explaining in the world won’t change his mind. Does he really believe it, or is he trying to control your happy mood by bringing you down to his level? WHO CARES! Get away from someone who is a harmful, toxic person. Love him from a distance. Wish him well and move on.

10. You are constantly walking on egg shells and have to justify your words and actions. Then, you’re told not to justify yourself. You never know what you’re going to get. Ever. It’s a mystery why he acts the way he does,  but the most important thing is to remember that you will never be able to be yourself. Ever.  Do you want that type of relationship?

Narcissist Crumbles without Narcissistic Supply

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Handsome narcissisticNarcissist Crumbles without Narcissistic Supply

By Sam Vaknin
Author of “Malignant Self-love: Narcissism Revisited”

The Grandiosity Gap (between a fantastically grandiose – and unlimited – self-image and actual – limited – accomplishments and achievements) is grating. Its recurrence threatens the precariously balanced house of cards that is the narcissistic personality. The narcissist finds, to his chagrin, that people out there are much less admiring, accommodating and accepting than his parents. As he grows old, the narcissist often becomes the target of constant derision and mockery, a sorry sight indeed. His claims for superiority appear less plausible and substantial the more and the longer he makes them.

Pathological narcissism – originally a defense mechanism intended to shield the narcissist from an injurious world – becomes the main source of hurt, a generator of injuries, counterproductive and dangerous. Overwhelmed by negative or absent Narcissistic Supply, the narcissist is forced to let go of it.

The narcissist then resorts to self-delusion. Unable to completely ignore contrarian opinion and data – he transmutes them. Unable to face the dismal failure that he is, the narcissist partially withdraws from reality. To soothe and salve the pain of disillusionment, he administers to his aching soul a mixture of lies, distortions, half-truths and outlandish interpretations of events around him. These solutions can be classified thus:

The Delusional Narrative Solution

The narcissist constructs a narrative in which he figures as the hero – brilliant, perfect, irresistibly handsome, destined for great things, entitled, powerful, wealthy, the center of attention, etc. The bigger the strain on this delusional charade – the greater the gap between fantasy and reality – the more the delusion coalesces and solidifies.

Finally, if it is sufficiently protracted, it replaces reality and the narcissist’s reality test deteriorates. He withdraws his bridges and may become schizotypal, catatonic, or schizoid.

The Antisocial Solution

The narcissist renounces reality. To his mind, those who pusillanimously fail to recognize his unbound talents, innate superiority, overarching brilliance, benevolent nature, entitlement, cosmically important mission, perfection, etc. – do not deserve consideration.

The narcissist’s natural affinity with the criminal – his lack of empathy and compassion, his deficient social skills, his disregard for social laws and morals – now erupt and blossom. He becomes a full-fledged antisocial (sociopath or psychopath). He ignores the wishes and needs of others, he breaks the law, he violates all rights – natural and legal, he holds people in contempt and disdain, he derides society and its codes, he punishes the ignorant ingrates – that, to his mind, drove him to this state – by acting criminally and by jeopardizing their safety, lives, or property.

The Paranoid Schizoid Solution

When narcissism fails as a defense mechanism, the narcissist develops paranoid narratives: self-directed confabulations which place him at the center of others’ allegedly malign attention. The narcissist becomes his own audience and self-sufficient as his own, sometimes exclusive, source of narcissistic supply.

The narcissist develops persecutory delusions. He perceives slights and insults where none were intended. He becomes subject to ideas of reference (people are gossiping about him, mocking him, prying into his affairs, cracking his e-mail, etc.). He is convinced that he is the center of malign and mal-intentioned attention. People are conspiring to humiliate him, punish him, abscond with his property, delude him, impoverish him, confine him physically or intellectually, censor him, impose on his time, force him to action (or to inaction), frighten him, coerce him, surround and besiege him, change his mind, part with his values, victimize or even murder him, and so on.

Some narcissists withdraw completely from a world populated with such minacious and ominous objects (really projections of internal objects and processes). They avoid all social contact, except the most necessary. They refrain from meeting people, falling in love, having sex, talking to others, or even corresponding with them. In short: they become schizoids – not out of social shyness, but out of what they feel to be their choice.

“This evil, hopeless world does not deserve me” – goes the inner refrain – “and I shall waste none of my time and resources on it.”

The Paranoid Aggressive (Explosive) Solution

Other narcissists who develop persecutory delusions, resort to an aggressive stance, a more violent resolution of their internal conflict. They become verbally, psychologically, situationally (and, very rarely, physically) abusive. They insult, castigate, chastise, berate, demean, and deride their nearest and dearest (often well wishers and loved ones). They explode in unprovoked displays of indignation, righteousness, condemnation, and blame.

Theirs is an exegetic Bedlam. They interpret everything – even the most innocuous, inadvertent, and innocent comment – as designed to provoke and humiliate them. They sow fear, revulsion, hate, and malignant envy. They flail against the windmills of reality – a pathetic, forlorn, sight. But often they cause real and lasting damage – fortunately, mainly to themselves.

The Masochistic Avoidant Solution

The narcissist is angered by the lack of narcissistic supply. He directs some of this fury inwards, punishing himself for his “failure”. This masochistic behavior has the added “benefit” of forcing the narcissist’s closest to assume the roles of dismayed spectators or of persecutors and thus, either way, to pay him the attention that he craves.

Self-administered punishment often manifests as self-handicapping masochism – a narcissistic cop-out. By undermining his work, his relationships, and his efforts, the increasingly fragile narcissist avoids additional criticism and censure (negative supply). Self-inflicted failure is the narcissist’s doing and thus proves that he is the master of his own fate.

Masochistic narcissists keep finding themselves in self-defeating circumstances which render success impossible – and “an objective assessment of their performance improbable” (Millon, 2000). They act carelessly, withdraw in mid-effort, are constantly fatigued, bored, or disaffected and thus passive-aggressively sabotage their lives. Their suffering is defiant and by “deciding to abort” they reassert their omnipotence.

The narcissist’s pronounced and public misery and self-pity are compensatory and “reinforce (his) self-esteem against overwhelming convictions of worthlessness” (Millon, 2000). His tribulations and anguish render him, in his eyes, unique, saintly, virtuous, righteous, resilient, and significant. They are, in other words, self-generated narcissistic supply.

Thus, paradoxically, the worst his anguish and unhappiness, the more relieved and elated such a narcissist feels!