Ten Red Flags That You Are With An ASP

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Most people have ignored the warning signs or red flags, that appear early on in a relationship with an antisocial person.

Here are the most obvious — and most likely — red flags that appear within 3-6 months of the relationship, sometimes much sooner. Your potential mate/friend:

1. Valued and quickly devalued you depending on how much, or how little, he/she can control your behavior; especially your behavior towards other people. For example, he or she may perceive someone significant in your life as a potential threat and will manipulate situations to cause you to doubt that friend or family member. He or she will try to build mistrust in you, and then quickly turn around and “save you” from the situation he/she created. Or, he will blatantly demand whom you can or cannot like or love.

NOTE: Pay close attention when he shares situations from past relationships.  It’s highly likely that your relationship will end up looking like his previous relationships. Every relationship picks up where the last one left off. Take your time before you get intimate. It makes things easier if the relationship doesn’t work out. How long should you wait? The short answer is at least 6 months.

2. He tells you straight-up he’s antisocial. No one who is mentally and emotionally stable will call himself an antisocial. Unless you crave a wild and bumpy ride in your relationship, throw this fish back in the water and find love elsewhere.

3. See how he lives. Is his house cluttered, or a pig sty? Lots going on within when someone hoards and lives in filth. “As within, so without,”

4. He uses the system and doesn’t repay debts. Has a sense of entitlement.

5. Tries to micro-manage people in his life. He’s controlling  and acts like he’s the only caring one in the relationship or household.

6. Perceives the world in a very peculiar way. There is no winning for losing. He won’t compromise with you. End. Of. Discussion.

7.  His responses don’t match what is going on in the room. For example, it’s early morning and you get up first. You’re sitting at your computer He walks in and you cheerfully say: “Good morning!” He, in turn, is frowning and doesn’t reply. Instead, he might start some unrelated dialogue because…

8. He lives in his paranoid mind more than in the real world or any rational world for that matter.

9. Most of your actions are met with suspicion or opposition.  Example: Watching a cute and wholesome video on YouTube featuring a friend of the opposite sex might be seen as you being completely obsessed or infatuated with your friend.  All the explaining in the world won’t change his mind. Does he really believe it, or is he trying to control your happy mood by bringing you down to his level? WHO CARES! Get away from someone who is a harmful, toxic person. Love him from a distance. Wish him well and move on.

10. You are constantly walking on egg shells and have to justify your words and actions. Then, you’re told not to justify yourself. You never know what you’re going to get. Ever. It’s a mystery why he acts the way he does,  but the most important thing is to remember that you will never be able to be yourself. Ever.  Do you want that type of relationship?

My Ex’s Current Girlfriend Contacted Me.

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This is a question that comes up frequently in my work.

So, you’ve moved on and blessed your ex’s new relationship. You and the new girlfriend may have never met in person or otherwise. Months go by, and I am guessing the six-month mark is approaching and the new girlfriend is waking up to the fact that there is something very wrong with her relationship. She may not know about sociopaths or people committed to the Sociopathic Style of relating. She’s confused. She needs answers or closure, so she does a little research and finds you online and contacts you.

What is the correct way to respond?

First, you need to set your intention to help and — not further hurt — the person who is making contact. Moreover, you don’t want to hurt yourself with the exchange of information.  Do not jump in and share all the negativity and/or get into a “Schadenfreude” mode.

I believe it’s okay to share and, in some ways it’s our duty, to bring some light to someone’s suffering and to help them get confirmation or closure.

Under the aforementioned circumstances, I would do the following:

  • I would meditate for guidance and set my good intentions.
  • I would respond with empathy because I understand what she is going through.
  • I would validate her experiences.
  • I would not let what she shares affect me in any way.
  • I would steer the conversation in a positive way should she start to tell me things that I do not care to know about; i.e. more of his lies about me.
  • I would keep the conversation centered around her and very little on me since I have moved on from that experience.
  • I would keep what I share “academic” and based on facts.
  • I would not rehash all the negativity.
  • If she has a lot of questions, I would help her find the answers for herself, opposed to me offering answers from my own experiences.
  • I would focus on the upside on why the person came into our lives and what we can learn from the relationship.
  • I would share my “recovery journey” only in bullet points, and the positive things that have happened in my life since he and I parted ways.
  • I would watch the clock and give the conversation no more than 30 minutes.
  • I would wish her well and remain as we are; meaning not become friends over him or her situation.
  • I would keep our correspondence and/or conversation confidential.

I think it’s a bad idea to contact a new partner of an ex, but if the new partner contacts you, I think it’s fine to offer well-intended, helpful guidance.  In the sociopathic way of relating, there is a lot of confusion, gaslighting, manipulation, verbal  and emotional abuse, betrayal and pathological lying present that makes the “victim” feel crazy. It helps to know that there is someone who cares and understands — who can help one out of the fog without judgment and more drama. Remember to stay in love-based communication and don’t engage in the power triangle.

Don’t let people pull you into their storm; instead, pull them into your PEACE.

 

Angry and Controlling Men

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Lundy Bancroft’s insights in “Why Does He Do That?” shine a powerful light on the psychological tactics abusive men employ to maintain control and deflect responsibility. On page 21, Bancroft compares the behavior of an abusive man to that of a magician, using misdirection to keep his partner from seeing the true source of his abusiveness. This analogy is profound because it captures the essence of how abusers manipulate their partners’ perceptions, creating a confusing and disorienting environment where the victim is constantly trying to understand and fix the abuser’s behavior.

Bancroft highlights that the abuser’s goal is to make his partner focus on his emotions and apparent turmoil, as if these are the root causes of his abusive actions. By doing so, he effectively diverts attention away from the real issue: his deeply ingrained beliefs and attitudes that justify his abusive behavior. This focus on his emotions can create a false sense of hope in the victim, leading them to believe that if they could only help him manage his feelings or resolve his inner conflicts, the abuse would stop.

However, as Bancroft points out, the real problem lies in how the abuser thinks, not in how he feels. His behavior is not the result of uncontrolled emotions or psychological instability, but rather a deliberate and calculated pattern of control and domination. The abuser’s thoughts are shaped by a sense of entitlement, a belief that he has the right to control and dominate his partner, and a lack of empathy for the impact of his actions on others.

Bancroft also discusses how abusers manipulate their partners’ views of their past relationships, often painting ex-partners in a negative light to prevent their current partner from discovering the truth about their behavior. This tactic serves to isolate the victim, making it more difficult for them to see the pattern of abuse that extends across the abuser’s relationships.

The most insidious aspect of this manipulation is that it often leads the victim to blame themselves for the abuse. The abuser’s constant excuses, distortions, and shifting of blame create a sense of self-doubt in the victim, making them question their perceptions and feel responsible for the abuser’s actions. This self-doubt is compounded by societal attitudes that often excuse or minimize abusive behavior, further reinforcing the abuser’s narrative and making it harder for the victim to recognize the true nature of the problem.

In essence, Bancroft’s analysis underscores the importance of understanding the thought patterns that drive abusive behavior. It’s not enough to address the emotions or past traumas of the abuser; the real work lies in challenging and changing the beliefs that justify and perpetuate the abuse. Only by seeing through the abuser’s “magic tricks” can a victim begin to break free from the cycle of abuse and reclaim their sense of self-worth and autonomy.