Lundy Bancroft’s insights in “Why Does He Do That?” shine a powerful light on the psychological tactics abusive men employ to maintain control and deflect responsibility. On page 21, Bancroft compares the behavior of an abusive man to that of a magician, using misdirection to keep his partner from seeing the true source of his abusiveness. This analogy is profound because it captures the essence of how abusers manipulate their partners’ perceptions, creating a confusing and disorienting environment where the victim is constantly trying to understand and fix the abuser’s behavior.
Bancroft highlights that the abuser’s goal is to make his partner focus on his emotions and apparent turmoil, as if these are the root causes of his abusive actions. By doing so, he effectively diverts attention away from the real issue: his deeply ingrained beliefs and attitudes that justify his abusive behavior. This focus on his emotions can create a false sense of hope in the victim, leading them to believe that if they could only help him manage his feelings or resolve his inner conflicts, the abuse would stop.
However, as Bancroft points out, the real problem lies in how the abuser thinks, not in how he feels. His behavior is not the result of uncontrolled emotions or psychological instability, but rather a deliberate and calculated pattern of control and domination. The abuser’s thoughts are shaped by a sense of entitlement, a belief that he has the right to control and dominate his partner, and a lack of empathy for the impact of his actions on others.
Bancroft also discusses how abusers manipulate their partners’ views of their past relationships, often painting ex-partners in a negative light to prevent their current partner from discovering the truth about their behavior. This tactic serves to isolate the victim, making it more difficult for them to see the pattern of abuse that extends across the abuser’s relationships.
The most insidious aspect of this manipulation is that it often leads the victim to blame themselves for the abuse. The abuser’s constant excuses, distortions, and shifting of blame create a sense of self-doubt in the victim, making them question their perceptions and feel responsible for the abuser’s actions. This self-doubt is compounded by societal attitudes that often excuse or minimize abusive behavior, further reinforcing the abuser’s narrative and making it harder for the victim to recognize the true nature of the problem.
In essence, Bancroft’s analysis underscores the importance of understanding the thought patterns that drive abusive behavior. It’s not enough to address the emotions or past traumas of the abuser; the real work lies in challenging and changing the beliefs that justify and perpetuate the abuse. Only by seeing through the abuser’s “magic tricks” can a victim begin to break free from the cycle of abuse and reclaim their sense of self-worth and autonomy.
