I Am on An Emotional Roller Coaster With No Way Out.
I am presently living in a nightmare of a relationship with my husband who I have recently realized is a sociopath. I feel trapped and at times suicidal, even though I used to think of myself as a talented, intelligent, funny and spiritual person.
My life of the past 7 years has been an emotional roller coaster ride. My relationships with family, including three sons, and past friends have been severed.
Because we are full-time RVers and have been moving about for over 3 years, I have not had any sort of community to relate to. I’ve spent years inside this RV with infrequent outings by myself -to the grocery store or Laundromat. I feel so insecure, even though I have done many brave things in my life. Now, going out on my own gives me a panic attack.
I was a professional portrait painter when I hired him to design my website, which he never did finish and which he holds over me like a carrot on a stick. He moved into my house, taking advantage of the fact that I was sick and losing a lot of weight. He soon took over every aspect of my life and I have been living as his captive. I have taken to writing as a way to keep my sanity, however, he refuses to read my writing -I have a 10 episode sitcom with set and costume designs; have invented a board game, written a memoir from when I owned an art gallery; written articles; done production work for our documentary company which has been very unproductive.
Any attempts to take the initiative or assert myself as an independent adult are met with horrible arguments which can last for 10 hours, until I am begging for him to stop. He is a foot taller than me, weighs more than twice my weight and can be very intimidating and threatening. He assaulted me 2 months after we married, pinning me down and threatening to kill me -over nothing (I was cooking dinner for his 80 year old mother who was coming over and who he turned away because he said we were having problems. To make matters worse, he was in law enforcement for over 18 years and turns on the charm for the cops when I have called them. He is now a fire chief and buddies with the County Sheriff.
I feel hopeless. Yesterday he printed out divorce papers, again. This happens every other month. This time I agreed, calmly, even though my nest egg is gone and I have no employment. He then started locking me out, playing control games, and mind games. Same old sh*t. I am very tired and don’t know if I can go on. I struggle with wanting to kill myself to end this madness, but I don’t want to do that to my family. His two sons are dead, one by suicide. Any time I mention how much I miss my kids; he diminishes my pain because of his loss.
I was being supportive and helping to organize and clean the fire station for the last month, in public he praises my effort, but he just told me I am of no service and that I am just doing it for fun. He has banned me from the station (we are parked right behind it and a lot of lonely farmland). I have cleaned the trailer we pull so that I might start painting again. We only get a small stipend each month so I have to be careful with spending. He does buy himself liquor, which we can’t very well afford. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to relieve my loneliness by sharing this. I pray continually that I may see a safe way out of this and will study up on how to stop being a victim. I have started telling him I am onto him and that I will not allow him to control me. We’ll see.
Response by Marion Trent
Thank you for reaching out to me. I feel your pain and heartache.
The thoughts you are having regarding suicide is your soul crying out for you to recreate yourself and your life. You don’t have to check out that way! What you need to do for yourself and your soul is to find somewhere safe to heal.
Calling him out, if he is committed to the Sociopathic Style, will only make things worse. If he cannot and will not take responsibility for his words and behavior, then you may consider your relationship a lost cause, unless you still have lessons to learn about yourself.
All we can ever do is change ourselves and live freely and joyfully in our own skin. And, it’s really our own job to do that for ourselves.
Difficult people come into our world to make us reach higher — to expand our own consciousness — but that doesn’t mean you have to stay and be abused.
You are a divine being with a purpose in life. You want to contribute to the world and it sounds like you are a fine artist with lots of talent.
If he is an alcoholic, has he expressed wanting to stop drinking? Drinking causes a lot of drama in relationships. A.A. is a fantastic program for dropping baggage and tapping into a spiritual life that we all need to create harmony and balance in our lives.
You may want to try Al-Anon, which is a support group for victims of alcoholics. These groups are located all around the country, in almost every city. You need to find a tribe, where you will be validated and supported for who you really are – and to reach your highest potential in this lifetime.
I feel intuitively that you are at a crossroad. Stay loving and keep your heart open. Don’t let anything, including your own thoughts, pull you into an abyss. Stay strong. Know that healing is available everywhere. You just need to reach out and accept the help from others who can relate to you and your circumstances.
Can you reach out to family and friends and stay with them until you get your feet on the ground?
Healing can take place very quickly when a person has the time and space to focus on oneself.
I am cheering you on, Marianne!
Warmest regards and much love,