I am often asked if someone should contact the new partner of an ex to warn them of the abuse. My answer is, without a shadow of a doubt: “No!”
First and foremost, ask yourself what’s motivating you? If you are trying to warn her or him, aren’t you engaging in the Power Triangle? Pathological rescuers rescue people without being asked. Stay out of the Power Triangle. It spells trouble. Secondly, your ex-has probably painted a very bad picture of you to the new partner. Don’t you think that contacting that person will validate everything he said about you? It will make you look jealous, vengeful and insecure.
When we had our first falling out, my ex-gave me a list of emails of women he had been in a relationship with prior to me and said: “Contact them for a testimonial. I’m a good man, Marion. They will tell you.” So I sent off an email and never got a reply from them. When I told him that I emailed them and didn’t get the testimonials he said I would, he became EXTREMELY angry and accused me of being: “High School and immature.” I replied: “You told me to contact them!” “I didn’t think you would!” he snapped back.
You need to focus on yourself, especially if you’ve been in a toxic relationship. When bitter thoughts arise or you think to yourself, “How can he be happy now after he made me so miserable?” Tell yourself that you wish them both well every single time a thought comes up. This will help you so much because you are letting go of negativity. In truth, your ex is no longer your business and kind thoughts will help you move on in a beautiful way. You don’t have to allow contact, by all means. Simply wish them well and smile.
Even though friends have told me my ex is in a new relationship, he still contacts me every 6-8 weeks with poems, “I love you” — and to top it all off, in his last correspondence, he has giving me permission to move on with my business. He is now “shining his light on my work” which he consistently put down in the past. I just chuckle and throw the notes, emails and texts away without a reply, because to me he is like a cobra. He will bite me over and over again if I let him. Even though his behavior is still bizarre as ever, I do send well-wishes telepathically, because in wishing him well I wish me well. “I wish you well. I wish you well. I wish you well…” has become my mantra. Thoughts of him have dissolved in a very natural, organic way without much effort.
When we recapitulate the relationship and see that we were a psychological or spiritual mismatch, which I often stated in my past relationship, then why would we want to continue thinking on that person? If it was a severely abusive relationship as in my case, shouldn’t we be happy that the person has a new target/interest? I, for one, am ecstatic that I am free. Before he had a new love interest, he constantly harassed me and kept me off balance. It was a grueling time for me because I still had feelings for him and I sacrificed my own happiness for someone who is a pathological liar. I found that when my mind started to recapitulate the good, bad and the ugly side of the relationship, I would say to myself: “It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter! “I wrangled in my thoughts with another simple mantra that works for me. Try it if you’re struggling with thoughts about the past or crazy assumptions. It is a simple technique that is very freeing.
Lastly, if your ex-has become a better person for having known you, you have done your job. But all that matters is that you are a better person — and you have expanded your consciousness — and you are drawing healthier boundaries. The best thing you can do is to take time for yourself and unload some baggage before you get into another relationship. Find a tribe with similar interests. Get involved in your community and find joy on your own before you make yourself available for someone new. Rebound relationships, more often than not, fail miserably because people bring baggage from a past relationship into it; and sometimes they are still in love with, or focused on, their ex.