A question I frequently encounter is whether someone should reach out to an ex’s new partner to warn them about the abuse they endured. My answer is unequivocal: “No!”
First, it’s essential to examine your motivations. Are you genuinely trying to protect the new partner, or is there a deeper, more personal reason behind it? If you’re stepping in to “rescue” them, you might be engaging in the Power Triangle, where pathological rescuers intervene without being asked. This dynamic is fraught with trouble and is best avoided.
Moreover, consider how your ex has likely portrayed you to the new partner. It’s common for abusers to paint their former partners in a negative light. Reaching out could inadvertently validate everything negative he’s said about you, making you appear jealous, vindictive, and insecure.
I can speak from experience. When my ex and I had our first major argument, he handed me a list of emails of women he had dated before me, saying, “Contact them for a testimonial. I’m a good man, Marion. They’ll vouch for me.” So, I did. I sent out emails and received no responses. When I told him about the silence, he became furious, accusing me of being “high school” and immature. I reminded him that he had told me to contact them, to which he snapped back, “I didn’t think you would!”
The truth is, after a toxic relationship, your focus should be on yourself. When bitter thoughts arise or you find yourself wondering, “How can he be happy now after making me so miserable?” Practice wishing them well instead. Every time a negative thought surfaces, counter it with a kind one. This practice will help you release the negativity and move forward in a healthier, more peaceful way. Remember, your ex’s life is no longer your concern, and by sending them well-wishes, you’re actually helping yourself to move on gracefully. You don’t have to engage or maintain contact—simply wish them well and move forward.
Even though friends have informed me that my ex is in a new relationship, he still contacts me every 6-8 weeks with poems and declarations of love. In his latest message, he even gave me “permission” to move on with my business, stating that he is now “shining his light on my work,” despite having consistently criticized it in the past. I just chuckle and discard his notes, emails, and texts without responding, because to me, he’s like a cobra—if I let him, he’ll bite me again and again. His behavior remains bizarre, but I continue to send well-wishes telepathically, because in doing so, I’m also wishing myself well. “I wish you well. I wish you well. I wish you well…” has become my mantra. Over time, thoughts of him have naturally and effortlessly faded away.
When we reflect on our past relationships and recognize that we were psychologically or spiritually mismatched, as I often felt, why would we want to dwell on that person? If the relationship was severely abusive, as mine was, shouldn’t we be relieved that they have a new target or interest? Personally, I’m ecstatic to be free. Before he found a new love interest, he constantly harassed me and kept me off balance. It was a grueling time because I still had feelings for him and sacrificed my own happiness for someone who turned out to be a pathological liar. When my mind would start to replay the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of the relationship, I found solace in telling myself, “It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter!” This simple mantra helped me wrangle in my thoughts, and it’s a technique that can be incredibly freeing if you’re struggling with thoughts about the past or making wild assumptions.
Finally, if your ex has become a better person because of knowing you, then you’ve done your part. But what truly matters is that you’ve become a better person. You’ve expanded your consciousness, you’re setting healthier boundaries, and you’re focusing on your own growth. The best thing you can do now is take time for yourself. Unload some of the emotional baggage before entering a new relationship. Find a community or tribe with shared interests, and rediscover joy on your own before making yourself available to someone new. Rebound relationships often fail because people carry baggage from the past into them, or they may still be emotionally entangled with their ex. Take the time to heal and rebuild before moving forward.
