I am Sorry. Please Forgive Me. Thank You. I love You.

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Are you looking forward to the family gathering around the Thanksgiving table or do you feel anxious?

It’s become a well-known fact that families experience triggers and role-playing when they gather for this — what should be — special holiday. Family members tend to go down memory lane and the next thing you know there is an argument or disagreement about a situation that happened years ago. Then, role-playing rears its ugly head. The victim declares that a situation happened this way or that way. The  peacemaker (rescuer) steps in and pleads: “It’s Thanksgiving, let’s not bring this up again.” The proverbial black sheep (perpetrator) then pushes everyone’s buttons and off we go! Someone leaves the table. Mom or dad or whoever cooked the meal gets angry because they have put so much energy into making the day special, and ultimately, they feel disrespected.

If you can relate to this scenario or a similar one, do you ever wonder why this happens?

Knowing that our thoughts create our reality and reinforce that fact by providing everything we think about with intensity. If we’re dreading something or thinking too much about the past, it increases the likelihood that it will become a reoccurring pattern.  How do we heal from that and stop the dysfunctional patterns? Does it take one person, a majority or the entire family?

Most people want others to change. There is always someone else to blame for the dysfunction. It’s hard to believe that we are the sole creator of everything in our life.

Ancient cultures believed that discord begins with our ancestors — that dysfunctional family patterns are deeply rooted and passed on to offspring.  And, that ancestors influence our thoughts and behaviors.

Ancient rituals that honored our ancestors dates back more than 35 thousand years ago when Siberian tribes plead their ancestors for blessings, hunting support, good karma and to calm fierce weather patterns. We somehow lost this connection in modern culture.

However, current scientific research agrees that trauma can leave a chemical mark on a person’s genes, which then is passed down to subsequent generations. The mark doesn’t directly damage the gene; there’s no mutation. Instead, it alters the mechanism by which the gene is converted or expressed into functioning proteins.

It seems that science is catching up with ancient wisdom teachings and knowledge. I like to think that ancient healing methodologies and teachings work because they are still around! There are countless examples of miracle healings that take place using ancient healing methodologies and I will get into them in subsequent newsletters.

For now, remember your ancestors and send them love regardless of how they showed up in the world. No judgment — just love. Give thanks, simply because, without them, you would not be here today.

I like to use Hoʻoponopono, a Hawaiian practice of reconciliation and forgiveness, to transmute negative energy as it happens. The Hawaiian word ho’oponopono comes from ho’o (“to make”) and pono (“right”). The repetition of the word pono means “doubly right” or being right with both self and others. In a nutshell, ho’oponopono is a process by which we can forgive others to whom we are connected.

Think on the person with whom there is a conflict or who is being triggered and say these words to yourself:

1. Step one: Repentance – Say: “I am sorry.”
2. Step two: Ask forgiveness – Say: “Please forgive me.”
3. Step three: Gratitude – Say: “Thank you.”
4. Step four: Love – Say: “I love you.”

You will undoubtedly raise the frequency in the room with your positive intent and the ho’oponopono practice, and let’s not forget the effect it may have on your ancestors.

Happy Thanksgiving!

With love,
Marion Trent, Founder
https://SociopathicStyle.com
Workshops|Trainings|Guidance

 

Is Your Life A Journey?

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Check out this video by Alan Watts. I have known this message, what seems like, all of my life. However, I have not heard it articulated this way before. I believe, that the most successful souls can be measured by how well they can see through the illusions that are continually thrust upon us, and by how well they have dropped the ego to expand their Light (Consciousness) and grow in Love, all the while knowing that we are ONE and that we take formulas (paths), ourselves and others WAY too seriously.

“Dance, when you’re broken open. Dance, if you’ve torn the bandage off. Dance in the middle of the fighting. Dance in your blood. Dance when you’re perfectly free.” -Rumi

Things You Can Do If You’re Estranged From Your Adult Child

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If your adult child has cut you out of his or her life—whether for a long or short time—it is a gut-wrenching experience, provoking deep feelings of shame, guilt, bewilderment, and hurt, all of which can easily turn to anger. On top of that, it can also arouse people’s worst suspicions (surely, the Smiths must be terrible parents for their daughter to cut them off like that!) and leave you feeling judged, even by friends and family.

Sometimes, of course, there are circumstances in which cutting off from a parent is the only viable option for an adult child (age 18 and older), for instance, in the case of past or present physical, emotional or sexual abuse from a parent.

Many times, however, estranged parents are left in the dark trying to figure out what went wrong. And while it’s common to pin the reason for the estrangement on everything from money issues, to personality conflicts, to divorce or difficult family dynamics, when you are in the dark, the easiest target to hit is yourself—to believe that you “failed” as a parent.

But here’s the reality: you didn’t cause the relationship to be severed; it was not your choice. Although you may have contributed to the tensions between you, you are not responsible for your child’s choice to cut you off.

Shutting a person out is a response to anxiety and fusion. Your actions or lack of action didn’t cause this. Cutting off is a way people manage anxiety when they don’t know a better way. The love and caring is there; the ability to solve differences is not.
Many adult children struggle with their parents, or with money issues, etc., but not all of them cut ties with their parents. Why do some cut off while others go through similar struggles and stay connected?

The Flight Response: Why Some Kids Distance Themselves

We humans manage stress in pretty predictable ways. We have a “fight or flight” response just like other species. And some people are more prone to distancing (flight) when emotional intensity gets high.

Let’s take Joe, for example. Joe was living at home after college, and his parents felt he was aimless. He would sleep in late, not help around the house, wouldn’t get a steady job, and was rude and disrespectful. Joe’s parents were understandably concerned and anxious about his lack of direction. They would nag, yell, and question him daily as to his game plan. He would be vague or get nasty, which caused his parents to get on his back even more. Eventually, Joe moved out. He didn’t tell his parents where he moved and didn’t contact them for over a year.

Related: Is your child rude and disrespectful? Refuse to be abused.

To understand Joe’s response, we have to recognize that when some people feel anxious, tired of conflict or pressure, or too much of the sticky family “togetherness” called fusion, their response is to distance themselves, be it emotionally, physically or both. When a person distances from others, they feel a sense of relief because the distance seemingly brings the conflict to an end. Of course, nothing is actually resolved; instead, more stress is generated.

On the outside, it looks as though Joe and his parents are disconnected. But on the inside, they are actually thinking about each other all the time and remain overly focused on one another. They are, in fact, still extremely involved with one another: they are emotionally bound up together, even though all communication has ceased. Neither is free from the original problem; nor are they free from each other.

Extreme Distancing: Cutting Off

Distancing, at its extreme, turns to cutting off. It can occur after long periods of conflict or as a sudden reaction to a difficult encounter. Whatever the issue, the person doing the cutting off has difficulty addressing and resolving the problem directly and maturely. Instead, like Joe, they stop communicating. Continuing the relationship seems unmanageable to them.

When a parent and child are enmeshed (too emotionally bound up with each other), they are more susceptible to cutting off when anxiety is high. Joe and his parents, for instance, were overly involved and entangled with each other. He was not taking responsibility for himself, nor were his parents taking responsibility for themselves. His parents did not stand up and let him know what they would and wouldn’t accept. Instead they nagged, begged and hoped he would change. He dug his heels in deeper, did less when pushed, and refused to address his part of the problem. They were living in reaction to one another, rather than each taking responsibility for their part of the family “dance.” The only way that Joe could see to get out of this tight tangle was to distance and cut-off from his parents; he didn’t have the skills necessary to untie the knots, to grow up and face himself.

Parents feel powerless when no contact is possible; when they can’t negotiate or even talk with their child. Should you contact your child or not? How long should you try? What should you say?

If you’re in this difficult position, here are five things you can do.

Don’t go at this alone. Get support. Being cut off by your child, with no ability to understand, communicate and resolve things, is difficult enough. That’s why being connected to others who love and understand you is particularly important. In addition to reaching out to friends and family, consider joining a support group. If you are not able to function at your best, get some professional help.
Don’t cut off in response. You are not the one cutting ties; your child is. Don’t cut off your child in response. Continue to reach out to him, letting him know that you love him and that you want to mend whatever has broken. Send birthday and holiday messages as well as occasional brief notes or emails. Simply say that you are thinking about him and hope to have the opportunity to reconnect. Send your warmth, love, and compassion—as you get on with your life.

Step back, look and don’t feed the anger. It’s understandable to feel angry. And in their attempt to be supportive, friends and family may fuel your feelings of betrayal, inadvertently increasing your anger. Anger is natural, but not helpful. Step back and try to understand what led to this estrangement. What patterns were operating in your family dance? If you can look at your family from a more factual vantage point, it may feel less personal. No one is to blame. Now if the door opens, you will be in a much better position to reconcile.

If the door opens, listen to your child without defending yourself. Listen with an open heart. Listen to her perceptions of what wrongs took place. Even if you disagree with her, look for the grains of truth. Be willing to look at yourself. It’s hard to hear these criticisms, especially if your intentions were misunderstood. So prepare yourself to handle this. Your adult child may need to hold on to blame as a way to manage her own anxiety. Just letting her know that you hear her will go a long way. Keep in mind that she, too, had to be in tremendous pain to reach the point of shutting you out. Try to empathize with her pain rather than get caught up in the hurt and anger.

Focus on yourself, not your child. If you do begin communicating again, you will be in a position to learn from the mistakes of the past and work toward an improved relationship. Put your efforts into changing yourself, not your child. Let go of your resentments regarding the estrangement. Understand his need to flee…and forgive him. Get to know the adult child you have, not the child you think he should have been. Allow him to get to know you.

If your child still has made no contact, grieve the loss and know there is still hope. Try to manage your anxiety, and do the right thing by staying in touch with him in a non-intrusive way: occasionally and lovingly. Things may change. Rather than blame yourself or your child for this pain, use your energy to learn about yourself, your own family history and patterns in your other relationships. Look for other patterns of cutting off in your family tree.

Remember that shutting a person out is a response to anxiety and fusion. Your actions or lack of action didn’t cause this. Cutting off is a way people manage anxiety when they don’t know a better way. The love and caring is there; the ability to solve differences is not. You did not cause your child to turn away. That was her decision. It may have been a poor one, but it was the best she could do at the time. Try to get your focus off of her at least 50 percent of the day, which will make a difference.

Your pain is real. Be mindful and compassionate of it, but don’t allow it to define or overwhelm you. Put the focus on what you have control over:  your own life.

SOURCE: https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/estranged-from-your-adult-child-5-things-you-can-do/

They’re Playing Your Song

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singing-your-songWhen a woman in a certain African tribe knows she is pregnant, she goes out into the wilderness with a few friends and together they pray and meditate until they hear the song of the child. They recognize that every soul has its own vibration that expresses its unique flavor and purpose. When the women attune to the song, they sing it out loud. Then they return to the tribe and teach it to everyone else.

When the child is born, the community gathers and sings the child’s song to him or her. Later, when the child enters education, the village gathers and chants the child’s song. When the child passes through the initiation to adulthood, the people again come together and sing. At the time of marriage, the person hears his or her song. Finally, when the soul is about to pass from this world, the family and friends gather at the person’s bed, just as they did at their birth, and they sing the person to the next life.

When I have shared this story in my lectures, a fair amount of people in the audience come to tears. There is something inside each of us that knows we have a song, and we wish those we love would recognize it and support us to sing it. In some of my seminars I ask people to verbalize to a partner the one phrase they wish their parents had said to them as a child. Then the partner lovingly whispers it in their ear. This exercise goes very deep, and many significant insights start to click. How we all long to be loved, acknowledged, and accepted for who we are!

In the African tribe, there is one other occasion upon which the villagers sing to the child. If at any time during his or her life the person commits a crime or aberrant social act, the individual is called to the center of the village and the people in the community form a circle around them. Then they sing their song to them. The tribe recognizes that the correction for antisocial behavior is not punishment; it is love and the remembrance of identity. When you recognize your own song, you have no desire or need to do anything that would hurt another.

A friend is someone who knows your song and sings it to you when you have forgotten it. Those who love you are not fooled by mistakes you have made or dark images you hold about yourself. They remember your beauty when you feel ugly; your wholeness when you are broken; your innocence when you feel guilty; and your purpose when you are confused. One summer when I was a teenager I went to visit my cousin and her family in Wilmington, Delaware. One afternoon she took me to the community pool, where I met a man who changed my life. Mr. Simmons talked to me for about 10 minutes. It wasn’t what he said that affected me so deeply; it was how he listened to me. He asked me questions about my life, my feelings, and my interests.

The unusual thing about Mr. Simmons was that he paid attention to my answers. Although I had family, friends, and teachers, this man was the only person in my world who seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say and valued me for who I was.

After our brief conversation, I never saw him again. I probably never will. I’m sure he had no idea that he gave me the gift of a lifetime. Maybe he was one of those angels who show up for a brief mission on earth, to give someone faith, confidence, and hope when they most need it.

If you do not give your song a voice, you will feel lost, alone, and confused. If you express it, you will come to life. We attract people on a similar wavelength so we can support each other to sing aloud. Sometimes we attract people who challenge us by telling us that we cannot or should not sing our song in public. Yet these people help us too, for they stimulate us to find a greater courage to sing it.

You may not have grown up in an African tribe that sings your song to you at crucial life transitions, but life is always reminding you when you are in tune with yourself and when you are not. When you feel good, what you are doing matches your song, and when you feel awful, it doesn’t. In the end, we shall all recognize our song and sing it well. You may feel a little warbly at the moment, but so have all the great singers. Just keep singing and you’ll find your way home.

by Alan Cohen, Author of Living from the Heart

Forgiveness and Mercy

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“Relax for a moment and be still. Imagine that you are a child and remember one way that you believed you were victimized. It could be someone yelling at you, lying to you, putting you down, hitting, incesting, or molesting you.

Can you see the person abusing you? Are they roaring like a tiger? Watch their lips as they talk to you. See their hand or body as it comes down on you, for example. Look at their face. Look deeply into their eyes. Don’t move away. Really look at them. Can you really know that they want to hurt you? Can you really know that they are not inflicting more abuse upon themselves in that moment? Sit in stillness with this.

Then ask yourself the following question: ‘If I had to choose one or the other for all eternity, would I rather be the abuser or the abused? Which position is the more merciful?'”

~ Byron Katie

The Subconscious Mind

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The subconscious mind is best likened to a nine-year-old child

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When I explain the subconscious mind to my clients, I use the analogy of being passengers on a plane flown by a nine-year-old pilot (the subconscious mind). This child will always be the one in the cockpit, and as adults, we can’t replace the pilot or take control of the flight path ourselves. However, what we can do is teach this young pilot to navigate the plane smoothly, rather than letting them fly erratically with no clear destination in mind.

At various points in our lives, we’ve all experienced that out-of-control child steering the plane straight toward the Himalayan Mountains. Sometimes, we’ve crashed. Other times, we’ve miraculously landed in Paradise, so to speak. Many modern teachings focus on the mind and how changing our thoughts can lead to fulfilling relationships, inner peace, and a beautiful life.

Documentaries like “The Secret” and “What the Bleep Do We Know?” have introduced us to meditation and visualization techniques that help us guide the mind, rather than allowing it to run wild in any direction it chooses.

I’ve dedicated much of my life to studying both contemporary and ancient healing techniques. I’m continually amazed at how far we’ve come in these fields and how effective these practices can be when applied consistently.

Several years ago, I discovered Quantum Jumping by Burt Goldman, a practice developed after more than 50 years of studying with some of the world’s greatest spiritual teachers. His teachings blend shamanic journeying (working outside of time and space) with modern shortcut techniques that help the subconscious mind adjust, accept, and manifest our highest potential. When we gain control over our minds, we can achieve almost anything. We can release the past and fully embrace the present moment, free from judgment, fear, and regret. This, in turn, attracts only supportive, loving, and authentic people into our lives, making our hopes and dreams a reality.

Wishing you a safe and comfortable flight!

Love,
Marion

 

Should I Warn His New Partner?

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A question I frequently encounter is whether someone should reach out to an ex’s new partner to warn them about the abuse they endured. My answer is unequivocal: “No!”

First, it’s essential to examine your motivations. Are you genuinely trying to protect the new partner, or is there a deeper, more personal reason behind it? If you’re stepping in to “rescue” them, you might be engaging in the Power Triangle, where pathological rescuers intervene without being asked. This dynamic is fraught with trouble and is best avoided.

Moreover, consider how your ex has likely portrayed you to the new partner. It’s common for abusers to paint their former partners in a negative light. Reaching out could inadvertently validate everything negative he’s said about you, making you appear jealous, vindictive, and insecure.

I can speak from experience. When my ex and I had our first major argument, he handed me a list of emails of women he had dated before me, saying, “Contact them for a testimonial. I’m a good man, Marion. They’ll vouch for me.” So, I did. I sent out emails and received no responses. When I told him about the silence, he became furious, accusing me of being “high school” and immature. I reminded him that he had told me to contact them, to which he snapped back, “I didn’t think you would!”

The truth is, after a toxic relationship, your focus should be on yourself. When bitter thoughts arise or you find yourself wondering, “How can he be happy now after making me so miserable?” Practice wishing them well instead. Every time a negative thought surfaces, counter it with a kind one. This practice will help you release the negativity and move forward in a healthier, more peaceful way. Remember, your ex’s life is no longer your concern, and by sending them well-wishes, you’re actually helping yourself to move on gracefully. You don’t have to engage or maintain contact—simply wish them well and move forward.

Even though friends have informed me that my ex is in a new relationship, he still contacts me every 6-8 weeks with poems and declarations of love. In his latest message, he even gave me “permission” to move on with my business, stating that he is now “shining his light on my work,” despite having consistently criticized it in the past. I just chuckle and discard his notes, emails, and texts without responding, because to me, he’s like a cobra—if I let him, he’ll bite me again and again. His behavior remains bizarre, but I continue to send well-wishes telepathically, because in doing so, I’m also wishing myself well. “I wish you well. I wish you well. I wish you well…” has become my mantra. Over time, thoughts of him have naturally and effortlessly faded away.

When we reflect on our past relationships and recognize that we were psychologically or spiritually mismatched, as I often felt, why would we want to dwell on that person? If the relationship was severely abusive, as mine was, shouldn’t we be relieved that they have a new target or interest? Personally, I’m ecstatic to be free. Before he found a new love interest, he constantly harassed me and kept me off balance. It was a grueling time because I still had feelings for him and sacrificed my own happiness for someone who turned out to be a pathological liar. When my mind would start to replay the good, the bad, and the ugly aspects of the relationship, I found solace in telling myself, “It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter!” This simple mantra helped me wrangle in my thoughts, and it’s a technique that can be incredibly freeing if you’re struggling with thoughts about the past or making wild assumptions.

Finally, if your ex has become a better person because of knowing you, then you’ve done your part. But what truly matters is that you’ve become a better person. You’ve expanded your consciousness, you’re setting healthier boundaries, and you’re focusing on your own growth. The best thing you can do now is take time for yourself. Unload some of the emotional baggage before entering a new relationship. Find a community or tribe with shared interests, and rediscover joy on your own before making yourself available to someone new. Rebound relationships often fail because people carry baggage from the past into them, or they may still be emotionally entangled with their ex. Take the time to heal and rebuild before moving forward.